Thursday, September 27, 2012


I wrote this in August, three days before my sister and brother-in-law had their son Levi. In my first visit with them after Levi's birth, my head whirled through a thousand thoughts as I held the newborn. I marveled at his perfection, and all nine pounds of it. It's the first time a newborn didn't look all that tiny.

I found out two days ago that I am pregnant. I figured out yesterday that I am about 8 weeks pregnant. The baby-to-be already has some nervous system, some circulatory system, and is starting to develop a face. 

What? I think I just fainted a little bit.

On Monday, it started to move, which is (maybe?) what caused me to feel nauseous, and finally go do a pregnancy test. Let me say that again. It started to move. 

Fainting again.

By the time I publish this, I'll be at the end of the first trimester, sharing this unexpected news with the world.

We didn't intend to become parents. In fact, we were well on our way to having decided to forego that whole realm. 

This is all very unlikely. 

I never had a strong desire to be a parent. I never even felt a twinge of biological clock. And now that this is happening, I have an unperturbed sense of peace. We will live out this adventure, with as much love and learning as any other.

I thought it would be more complicated. 

I am not afraid. I am not torn with a desire to know what might have been. I believe that so much of what I have planned for my life will still come to be--just with an unpredicted twist.

It couldn't really be any other way.

To have made a decision to have a child, this would have been so much planning and pressure, we would have struggled to define our own experience. Having already set our course, this becomes simply a part of the journey.

It happens really fast.

I finally called my doctor, and went in for an official test. Yup, still pregnant. Prenatal appointments and a baby-industrial-complex span out in front of me. I find myself browsing sites about home birth, the things I should and shouldn't eat, and the week-by-week development of a pregnancy.

I smile a lot, especially at Kevin. It's a strange little secret we have between us.

I am waiting. My little sister goes before me in this, ready to deliver her baby at any moment. I will hold my news until I know we're past the largest risks, and until after she has had some time in the light.

It's all so unexpected. 

Announcements have been made, and the news has begun to sink in for all. My own reaction is still defined by peace and trust. Fourteen weeks have passed by, and the baby growing inside me is getting bigger and stronger every day. I am still amazed, grateful, hopeful. By now, I'm getting over the surprise. 

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